How the Ging-grinch Stole Democracy
(Satire of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" by Dr. Seuss)
(The Boston Globe, Friday, December 25, 1998)

By Derrick Z. Jackson

It could be their heads weren't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that their shoes were to tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that their hearts were two sizes too small.

Whatever the reason, their hearts or their shoes,
They stood there on Capitol Hill hating the Whos,
For they knew most Whos down in Who-ville beneath
Had said no to their cantankerous vote to impeach.

"There's the polls again," they said with a sneer.
With numbers that made everything unequivocally clear.
Clinton's popularity remained stratospherically high,
So high, so high, all the Republicans could do was sigh,
Yet they growled, with the Ging-Grinch nervously drumming
"We MUST find some way to stop democracy from coming!"

They stayed on their mission to put Bill out of commission,
Thinking the Starr report would cause a state of perdition,
But the Whos kept saying what Republicans liked least,
Young and old they served pollsters a contrarian feast.

Sixty-three percent said Clinton should stay,
Sixty-seven percent said his job performance was OK
Sixty-seven percent said Starr went way beyond his reach,
Sixty-six percent said the president should not be impeached.

The more the Republicans thought of this Who democracy thing,
The more they thought "We must stop this whole thing!
"Why for two elections we've put up with Bill Clinton now!
We must stop this democracy from coming!  But HOW?"

Then they got an idea, an awful idea!
The Republicans got a wonderful awful idea!
"We'll release Clinton's video testimony to Starr!"
The public will see what a liar Clinton thou are!"

The tapes moved few, even if Bill knew not what is is,
Few Whos hooted in California, Kansas, or Ole' Miss.
Few of them would want Clinton as their in-law son,
But to scream high crime or misdemeanor was justice undone.

Seventy-eight percent said the tape should never have aired.
Sixty percent said the Republican's judgment was impaired.
Seventy-eight percent said Starr went beyond his reach,
Sixty-six percent said the president should not be impeached.

"I know what to do!" Ging-Grinch laughed in his throat,
Baring his teeth at democracy like a crocodile from a moat.
"We swamp the Democrats in midterm congressional elections,
We impale them with Clinton's salacious predilections."

On November 3, Ging-Grinch clutched at his throat,
The Prez was the first in 64 years to add seats to his boat.
Ging-Grinch quit, the Who votes devouring him like piranha,
Including black Who voters telling him, "Yo' Mama!"

But you know, the Republicans were so smart and so slick
They thought up a new scheme and thought it up quick!
"Pooh-pooh to the Whos!" they were grinch-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no democracy is coming!"
"We'll simply vote along party lines to impeach,"
"Our vote cannot be touched no matter who tries to beseech,"
"When the Whos wake up, we know just what they'll do!"
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two"
"Then the Whos down in Who-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!"
They said "That's a noise that we simply MUST hear!"

They paused.  The Republicans put their hands to their ears.
And they did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low.  Then it started to grow...
But the sound wasn't sad.  Why this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!  But it WAS merry!  VERY!

The Republicans gazed at Who-ville.  They popped their eyes!
Then they shook!  What they saw was a shocking surprise!
Sixty-five percent said Clinton should stay.
Seventy-three percent said his job performance was OK
Sixty percent tarred the republicans with unsavory guile,
Sixty eight percent the Senate to call off the trial.
Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,
Was singing!  Without having voted on this at all!

And the Republicans, with grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling:  "How could it be so?"
How could we lose in the polls and at the polls?"
"We've lost Ging-Grinch, Livingston, what more the toll?"
"We've caught Clinton lying to a grand jury,"
But the Whos hate us! For our partisan fury."
The Republicans puzzled till their puzzlers were sore.
Perhaps they will think of something they hadn't before!
Maybe democracy, they'll think can't be stolen from a store.
Maybe democracy... perhaps ... means a bit more!