It's
Fun To Be My New A.G.
(Sung to the tune of “YMCA” by the Village People)
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As our musical begins, it is the year 2000 and our “hero” is facing his darkest hour. Defeated in his bid for reelection by the deceased Mel Carnahan, John Ashcroft’s political life lies in ruins and his future looks bleak. But fate is about to take a hand. Summoned to Texas, Ashcroft glumly enters the front door of George W. Bush’s ranch house. To his surprise, waiting inside is the entire membership of Bush’s world famous disco band -- George and the W's.
The Light of Day
Bush himself is decked out in an Uncle Sam costume, while the W's -- six long-legged beauties -- are sporting red, white and blue micro-miniskirts with halter tops. They begin to sing:
It's
Fun To Be My New A.G.
(Sung to the tune of “YMCA” by the Village People)
Johnny, there’s no need to feel down.
I said, Johnny, pick yourself off the ground.
I said, Johnny, ‘cause a dead man beat you
There’s no reason to be blue.
Johnny, I've found you a spot.
I said, Johnny, you’ll still be a big shot.
You can work here, and I’m sure you will find
Many people to give a hard time.
It’s fun to be my new A.G.
It’s fun to be my new A.G.
You can avenge your enemies, eye for an eye,
And you’ll have the help of the FBI . . .
It’s fun to be my new A.G.
It’s fun to be my new A.G.
You can anoint yourself, in fine vegetable oil,
Then set the Constitution to boil . . .
Johnny, you are just what I need.
The far right I must now appease.
They’re demanding a real nut case.
And you they will surely embrace.
You won’t be there all by yourself.
Ted Olson is off the same shelf.
Together you can kill civil rights.
And all the other liberal blights.
It’s fun to be my new A.G.
It’s fun to be my new A.G.
* * *
Sadly, even as he receives this wonderful news, Ashcroft’s problems are only just beginning. As his confirmation hearing approaches, a number of Democratic senators have the audacity to suggest that he may be unsuited to the office of attorney general merely because his political philosophy is eerily reminiscent of that of Benito Mussolini. The tawdry partisanship reflected by such petty concerns is quickly noted by the unbiased punditry of such journalistic giants as Fox News. Still, it presents Ashcroft with a practical problem.
His solution, as brilliant as it is deceptive, is to reinvent himself as a moderate. Thus, in his testimony before the Judiciary Committee, seldom is heard a right-leaning word. “I well understand that the role of the attorney general is to enforce the law as it is, not as I would have it,” he assures his former colleagues. But later, in a private meeting with the Republican caucus, he lets his conservative pride show and breaks into song:
There's
No Wing Like The Right Wing
(Sung to the tune of “There’s No Business Like Show Business” by Irving
Berlin)
There’s no wing like the right wing
At telling you what to do.
Anything that you should find appealing;
We will tell you God does not allow.
So unless your passion is gun dealing,
We will expose all your sins somehow
There’s no people like right wing people.
We smile before we attack.
On the joys of freedom, we will effuse
Especially righteous is corporate abuse.
Peoples' other freedoms? We have little use.
Return to 1901!
We're shills for Big Business - it's for them we work.
They pay us off to get around the laws.
We're shills for Big Business - it's for them we work.
Big money means more power for our cause.
Don't give a damn about the little guy.
If they should give us trouble, we'll just lie.
There’s no wing like the right wing
At telling you what to do.
Anything that you should find appealing;
We will tell you God does not allow.
So unless your passion is gun dealing,
We will expose all your sins somehow.
There’s no people like right wing people.
We smile before we attack.
On the joys of freedom, we will effuse
Especially righteous is corporate abuse.
Peoples' other freedoms? Wave little use.
[At this point the entire Republican caucus stands and joins in the rousing concluding verse]
Return to 1901!
Return to 1901!
* * *
Confirmed by a narrow margin, Ashcroft is soon on the
job at the Justice Department, fighting to make the world safe for the
NRA. Then, on Sept. 11, everything, as they say, changes. Suddenly, he
finds himself at the very center of the storm -- a general in the war on
terrorism. Naturally, his first order of business is to move to silence
all opposition.
ACT II
Gaveling the hearing of the Senate Judiciary Committee to order, the chairman invites the attorney general to make his opening remarks. Ashcroft begins to sing, as everyone else in the room sways from side to side in time with the music:
What
Your Government Needs Now Is Love
(Sung to the tune of “What the World Needs Now is Love” by Burt Bacharach
and Hal Davis)
What your goverment needs now
Is love, sweet love
That’s the only thing
A good citizen should be speaking of
What your government needs now
Is love, sweet love
Not for bureaucrats
But for Bush above.
People, we don’t need
Your opinions,
You are peons
Who don’t know what you're talking ‘bout
We have experts and spies
To fill us in,
You should just trust
Us to do what’s right.
What your government needs now
Is love sweet love
That’s the only thing
A good citizen should be speaking of
What your government needs now
Is love, sweet love
Not for bureaucrats
But for Bush above.
People, who scare
Peace-loving people
With ugly phantoms
Of lost liberties
Their tactics only
Aid the terrorists
Oh listen, lord,
Make them stop it please.
What your government needs now . . . (continue through the refrain).
* * *
A few months later, the progressive caucus holds a secret meeting deep within the bowels of the Capitol building. The topic is John Ashcroft.
“He’s starting to scare the hell out of me,” whispers one of the congressmen. “He seems to have no respect at all for civil liberties.”
“Starting to?” one of the two senators present interrupts. “He’s always scared the heebie-jeebies out of me. Does everyone else feel the same way?”
“I’ll tell you how I feel,” one handsome young congressman announces in a loud voice:
John Ashcroft
Is Such A Bulldog
(Sung to the tune of “Joy to The World” by Three Dog Night)
John Ashcroft is such a bulldog
Never been a friend of mine
There’s something ruthless Sbout every word he says
But I guess these days folks think that’s fine
At least they act like they really don’t mind
Singin’ . . .
God, save the world
And the Bill of Rights
God, please save all of our sweet liberties
And God keep us free.
John thinks he's the king of the world
Tells us what to do
If we do cross him, we may end up in Cuba
Disappear from view.
Sing it now . . .
God save the world
And the Bill of Rights
God please save all of our sweet liberties
And God keep us free
* * *
But there is a very different outlook among Ashcroft’s inner circle. As it happens, at this very moment he’s being honored by the ultraconservative legal fraternity The Federalist Society. For the musical climax, Kenneth Starr, the former Clinton special prosecutor, leads the gathering in a rousing tribute to the attorney general:
God Bless
John Ashcroft
(Sung to the tune“God Bless America” by Irvin Berlin)
While terrorists plotted across the sea,
He moved resources to fight pornography.
Though he didn’t stop Osama’s homicide
He did fight against assisted suicide...
God bless John Ashcroft.
Man that we love.
He's tremendous, defends us
From that medical pot in Oregon.
Mammary mountains on those statues,
He has covered up above.
God bless John Ashcroft.
Sings his own songs.
* * *
As the show ends, Ashcroft, dressed in full military garb, walks onto the stage and declares: “All of these people have been designated as enemy combatants by the president.”
The actors are quickly rounded up and whisked away in five black cars, leaving an empty stage.
The curtain falls to thunderous applause.
THE END
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